


Daddy Issues

by nishiki



Category: Misfits (TV 2009)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future Simon Bellamy Doesn't Exist, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Childhood Trauma, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt Nathan Young, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nathan Young Being Nathan Young, Nathan Young Has Feelings, Nathan Young is bad at feelings, POV Simon, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Simon Bellamy, Repressed Feelings, caring Simon Bellamy, echoes from the past, minor smut, past tattoo incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24524986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nishiki/pseuds/nishiki
Summary: When someone from Nathan's past suddenly shows up, Nathan finally has to confront his demons, and who better to listen to him, then Simon Bellamy?
Relationships: Simon Bellamy/Nathan Young
Comments: 18
Kudos: 225





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a one-shot but since it would have been ungodly long, I decided to split it up in smaller chapters instead. The story is completely done and the chapters will be released within the next couple of days.

Autumn in London was much like Summer or Spring in London - which is to say that it was usually a very rainy time of the year. However, as Halloween rolled around, London was grazed by one of the very rare sunny periods that would only come when the sun would remember the existence of Great Britain. It seemed almost a bit ironic that, as soon as the cold time of the year would finally hit it off and the days would get shorter, the sun would break through for one last hoorah like a deadbeat dad that came around for Christmas or birthdays at the most. 

They were hanging out on the roof of the community center when it happened. Simon was sitting at the picnic table that was up on the roof for some odd reason and was currently eating his lunch - carefully cut and arranged pieces of a sandwich without the crust - while Curtis was taking a nap on the probably rat-infested sofa. The girls were talking with each other as they occupied the armrests of the battered armchair Nathan liked to lounge in. As for their resident troublemaker: He was lounging in the old bathtub with his legs dangling over the edge and a blunt between his plump lips. 

He had been avoiding Simon quite a lot lately. 

No, not _lately_. He could pinpoint the moment exactly to the day when they had fought against Vince, the crazed tattoo-artist, over a month ago. After the spell had been broken, Nathan had started distancing himself from Simon very quickly that day and reacted quite bitchy even when the others had started taking the piss out of him. That should’ve been expected, of course. It was weird, though. Simon didn't really think that Nathan was just so very flustered about the incident that he wouldn't be able to look Simon in the eyes anymore. He had expected him to bounce back from it fairly quickly. For some reason, he wasn’t bouncing back, though. The incident had been five weeks ago and still, Nathan was treating him like he was invisible. He almost missed the aggressive advances of the Irishman by now. 

»So what happened with Jessica?« Alisha suddenly turned towards him and ripped him from his thoughts. It was still a bit strange to him whenever the girl would address him directly after she had treated him like he was beneath her at the beginning of all this mess. Lately, she seemed to warm up to him a little, and Simon couldn't really decide what to make of this revelation. 

In all honesty, it made him nervous. The last time one of the “popular” people had talked to him and started to become more friendly towards him, Simon had ended up almost burning the guy’s house down. He couldn't determine what Alisha’s agenda was when she would behave more friendly towards him, though it was a welcome change for the most part.

»We broke up.« Simon muttered. For a split second, he thought that he had seen a smile on Nathan’s face out of the corner of his eye. He was an odd guy for sure. When Simon had first started talking to Jessica, Nathan had made such a fuss about it only to congratulate him later for having slept with her and now he seemed almost relieved about Simon’s words. Nathan Young was an enigma wrapped in a riddle for certain and he didn't like it. It was hard for him to read other people's emotions as it was but with Nathan it seemed an impossible feat. 

»Oh« Alisha replied and she seemed honestly surprised, maybe even a little concerned for him. Sometimes he forgot that the others seemed to consider him a friend. Sometimes, even after all the crap they’ve been through as a group, he still waited for the other shoe to drop, for the big punch line that would knock him off his feet. Sometimes, he would wake up and he would be certain that this would be the day when he would realize that it had all been a dream. »I’m sorry to hear that, you were cute together. What happened?«

»After that thing with her dad … Well, she had a hard time dealing with that and since it all tied back to our relationship…« He trailed off, not really knowing how to finish the sentence. Out of the corner of his eye, he could still see Nathan staring at him out of those big green eyes. 

Nathan - he had noticed it before - had a way of looking at people that made them feel like they were the only other person in the universe. He sometimes looked at people with such intensity that it was hard to look away. He had realized that about the Irishman during the tattoo incident, when he had been at the center of Nathan’s hyper-focused attention. As strangely frightening that time had been, he missed the feeling it had given him when Nathan stared at him like this and, at the same time, the memories scared him to no end. He still dreamed about it and then he would wake up in a cold sweat in his lonely apartment with only his memories to keep him company and the promises he made to himself oh so long ago.

»Oh, shit man« Kelly chimed in with her thick accent that was bleeding compassion. »That sucks!«

»Well, don't worry« Alisha grinned and winked at him. »We’ll find you a nice girl at the Halloween Party tonight.« 

The Halloween Party … After the incident during the last party in the community center with Jessica’s dad, he was not really fond of the idea of celebrating. Still, his friends had decided that they would all go together tonight and, honestly, he was just happy to be included, happy to have people actually demand him to be there and join them. It was a nice feeling. Maybe he would get the chance to actually talk to Nathan again. With a bit of booze to get the troublemaker relaxed, maybe he would get over whatever was plaguing him at the moment and be his normal outgoing, obnoxious self again. 

He replied to Alisha’s comment only with a nervous grin and patted his hair down as a way of busying his hands. He just opened his mouth to say something else, as the door to the rooftop slammed open and revealed their probation worker Shaun. Considering the probation workers that they had had so far, Shaun might be the best one yet. Sure, he was an asshole and he couldn't care less about them or what they were doing but at least he hadn't tried to kill them yet and he hadn't yet tried to seduce one of them for information about the other two dead probation workers. In Simon’s book, that was clearly a plus. 

»Hey!« Shaun called out from the door that led out onto the rooftop, his voice the usual bored drawl he never seemed able to shed. Their lunch break was not over yet. They still had ten minutes left - Simon was sure of that. They turned their heads towards the man who looked at them with the ever-present annoyance that he seemed to feel towards them and his job in general. »There’s some guy wanting to talk to Nathan.« 

It was like a sick little deja-vu of sorts. Last time someone showed up to talk to Nathan, the young man had met his brother for the first time and lost him quickly after. All of that happened not even three months ago and now someone else was asking to speak to Nathan. The curiosity of their group was roused. Even Curtis blinked awake from his little nap. 

»What guy?« Nathan replied with a smirk. »Tell him, I don’t talk to fans right now.« 

»Am I your damn secretary?« Shaun shot back. »Says his name is Joe or something. Get your ass down and talk to him. This is not a fucking summer camp, okay? You idiots have got work to do. Pay back to society from which you took.« 

At first, Nathan seemed confused only to then pale considerably. Sometimes, when he would watch Nathan’s face closely, he could see the cogs turning inside his head. Right now, he could see how his confusion turned into recognition and then into something almost akin to horror - an expression that flickered briefly over his face before being forced into the background again by Nathan’s smug poker face.

Being able to turn invisible came with one major upside, as Simon had learned. It enabled Simon to see the real faces of his friends from time to time - because they would only show their real faces when they would be alone behind closed doors. Especially Nathan. One too many times, Simon had noticed how his face would drop, the moment he thought himself to be alone. He didn't try to make a habit of sneaking around invisible to spy on his friends. In fact, he made a point of not spying on his friends. The few times he did stumble upon one of them while being invisible had been truly accidental. The times he had accidentally stumbled upon Nathan while being invisible, however, had told him a great deal about the trickster and the things he had learned had made him more endearing to Simon indeed.

Behind all his bravado, his cockiness, and his stupid jokes, Nathan was hiding someone who was lonely and scared and who didn't know how to handle his life. He was still an asshole most of the time, but there was more to him. Sometimes Simon wished that he would show more of this vulnerable side to their group of friends, that he would allow their friends to see the real Nathan once or twice at least. It was this vulnerability that had slipped past his defenses for a split second as he had recognized the name of that man that wanted to talk to him before Nathan had beaten it back down into submission. 

As Nathan not immediately spewed out a response or got up, their friends picked up on it and looked at him a little confused - which, in the end, prompted Nathan to scoff. »Tell him to fuck off.« 

»Tell him yourself.« Shaun groaned. Luckily for Nathan, Shaun was not the type of probation worker who had much patience and stamina to deal with their shit. So, instead of persisting, Shaun just left and walked off. 

»Who’s that Joe guy?« Alisha chimed up right away as she turned around to look at Nathan in his moldy bathtub. 

»The fuck do I know?« Nathan huffed. »Probably just someone who had heard tales of the great Nathan-o and wants to see my pretty face.«

Curtis gave a very undignified snort and that was that. No one really kept questioning Nathan about the mysterious stranger named Joe because they all knew that if Nathan didn't want to talk about something, he wouldn't talk about it. It was pointless to try to force Nathan to do really anything. He wouldn't comply no matter what. The last few months of community service together had told them that quite clearly. In fact, it would be more likely for Nathan to do the exact opposite of what was being asked of him just out of spite. 

Sometimes, Simon couldn't help but admire this attitude as it seemed to serve Nathan quite well. He seemed so carefree all the time. He wondered what it was like to have such little worries. Despite his homelessness or the fact that he barely had enough money to buy himself food every once in a while, Nathan always had a smile on his face - except when he thought no one could see him. When he thought that no one could see him, Nathan Young was a quiet young man, somber, almost - lost in his own head, sometimes.

Five minutes later, the incident was almost forgotten again until they needed to go back to work and Nathan was noticeably trying to buy himself more time before he would walk back downstairs. At first, it was seemingly just Nathan being Nathan as he was making jokes and holding them all back a bit longer just to fuck with them and with Shaun. However, Simon noticed quickly that it seemed to be more than that. Nathan seemed, dare he say it, nervous to go downstairs. His eyes were wild, darting from side to side as if he was expecting to see something that they couldn't see. He wondered if the others noticed it too. Certainly not Alisha and Curtis but Kelly might just have noticed it too. If she had heard Nathan’s thoughts, she wasn’t remarking on them at least. 

»Stop dicking around!« Kelly groaned at last as Curtis and Alisha were already going downstairs. Simon was a bit hesitant to follow them right away. He felt a strange kind of worry for Nathan - that sort of worry where you don't want to leave someone out of your sight because you were afraid that they would vanish if you would look away for even a second. Of course, he didn't have a reasonable excuse for that so, instead, he too walked through the metal door and down the stairs, trusting that Kelly - the unofficial Nathan-handler - would handle the situation and make the Irishman come back to work as per usual. 

When they walked downstairs, however, Simon saw a man pacing back and forth in the foyer - the place where Nathan’s makeshift bed was resting on the mezzanine. An intruder. A stranger. He was a big dude. Sure, Simon was not necessarily the tallest guy but this dude was even taller than Nathan by a good ten centimeters. He seemed muscular and had the sleeves of his long-sleeved knitted sweater rolled up enough to show off his tattooed forearms. He was certainly older by at least two decades than any one of them, his hairline receding just a little but he was certainly not an unattractive kind of guy. He felt a weird kind of knot in his stomach. The guy was not Nathan’s dad, for sure - so, who was he?

The man’s eyes fell upon him of all people while Curtis and Alisha were already going back to their work of sorting through the lost and found stuff. The stranger walked up to him with no hesitation. »Hey, kid« He greeted him. »I’m looking for Nathan. Nathan Young.«

Curtis looked over at Simon and the stranger but he didn't say anything. »He’s not here today.« Simon replied quickly. He didn't even quite know why he did it or what came over him. »He called in sick.«

The stranger looked at him with an expression that made it clear that he didn't really buy Simon’s lie. »Your probation worker didn't say anything about that.«

»No« Simon agreed. »He asked us where Nathan was too. He must’ve forgotten that he called in sick.«

»Ah, I see.« The man nodded. He didn't seem upset in any way. He remained completely calm and that made the knot in Simon’s stomach only twist a little tighter. The man tried to appear friendly. _He tried._ »Can you give me his address then? I really need to talk to him. It's important.«

»I don't know where he lives. We don't know each other that well.«

»Really?«

»Yes.« The lie came naturally to him. After all, it was true, wasn’t it? How well did he know Nathan Young, after all? He was an enigma wrapped in a riddle, that one. He felt almost as if the man was trying to analyze him the way he stared at him now, his eyes wandering from his face down his body and then back up to his eyes again. However, at last, he nodded and took a step back. 

»Okay … I’ll come back tomorrow then.« 

He didn't say anything, just stared at the man until he turned around and walked away. He kept staring until the man had walked through the glass door and was no longer to be seen. Sometimes his creepy stare was good for something, he would assume. 

»What was that all about?« Alisha called over. »Why’d you tell him that Nathan wasn’t here?«

He shrugged just as Nathan and Kelly came out of the staircase that led to the roof. He really had no idea why he had lied to the guy. It just came over him. He usually was not that kind of guy if he didn't have a good reason to. Still, something about the man had rubbed him the wrong way. Perhaps it was just the situation that struck him as odd or realizing that he hardly knew anything about Nathan’s past. 

Sure, that was kind of the joke, right? None of them knew anything about Nathan - not even how he had ended up in community service. Regardless of the shadiness of Nathan Young’s life and character, when Nathan’s dubious past suddenly involved a weird stranger that looked like he could crush Nathan with one hand, the mystery suddenly lost a bit of its humor.

**-End of Chapter 1-**


	2. Chapter 2

He was not particularly proud of his costume. The last time he had actively taken part in the Halloween celebrations was when he had been still in elementary school and went trick or treating with his dad. After that, his excitement for the holiday had run rather thin - mainly because of the other kids around. He had never had many friends and after his dad had left … Well, things hadn't really gotten any better for Simon. His sister, on the other hand, was thriving. She was, of course, too young to remember any of that. Hell, she hardly knew their father, after all. Sometimes he envied her. 

Long story short, it was the first time in over a decade that Simon was actually excited to partake in the Halloween activities and the reason for that was his friends who had encouraged him to dress up and come to the party in the community center. He had gone costume shopping with Kelly earlier and had hoped that Nathan would join them but, of course, the ever-elusive Irishman had found some excuse not to join them. 

There was no doubt in Simon’s mind that Nathan would have gone if it would have only been Kelly and him - without Simon. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out what he had done to cause Nathan’s ire. It was a mystery. 

His costume was nothing that impressive. He had opted for a simple vampire get-up even though vampires were not much of his thing really. It was the cheapest costume that he had been able to get without looking too stupid. Alisha didn't disappoint as she showed up as a sexy nurse while Curtis came dressed as a cop - the irony. Kelly had decided on the classic dead cheerleader look with a fake ax embedded in her skull and Nathan, as he finally showed up, came dressed as a zombie. Very fitting. 

»Do I look like I have money for a costume you posh bastards?« He had replied as Alisha had asked him what ‘cheap shit’ he was wearing. »Really, you could open your vault of gold coins every once in a while to spare a bloke down on his luck a few coins, your majesty.« 

»Where did you get that face paint then?« Kelly demanded to know as she pointed at Nathan’s face. It was quite well done considering that they were talking about Nathan. He had managed to paint a few semi-realistic looking injuries to his face which he had otherwise just painted even paler than he usually seemed to be. His lips seemed bloodless and he was wearing dark circles under his strikingly green eyes.

»Yeah, and those wounds actually look decent.«

»I know a girl who’s into this kind of thing« Nathan shrugged. »She works at one of those horror houses that they have all around town now. She said I should just drop by and she gave me a quick make-over. I thought zombie was kinda funny, considering I’m immortal.«

»Yeah, you know, explaining your jokes usually doesn't really add to their humor.« Curtis mocked. 

»I forgot I was talking to Officer fun-police here.« Nathan huffed and slapped Simon’s shoulder as if he had made some form of joke. It should annoy him but it only made him a little more relaxed as it was almost like it used to be between them. »I need a drink if I have to deal with that guy the entire night!« 

He watched Nathan leave for the bar to grab himself a beer. He couldn't quite help to be mesmerized by the way Nathan moved or how his face would change when he would talk. He watched him chat up the girl behind the counter of the makeshift bar and, as Nathan granted her his most dazzling smile, he felt something twist in the pit of his stomach. The knot from earlier was back again.

The girl seemed to be into it, brushing her hair out of her face and giggling at something that Nathan had told her. He might be an asshole but he had a way with girls, that much was certain. Maybe it was his honesty that drew those women in like moths to a flame. Nathan never seemed to hide anything from those girls - and yet, no one really knew the real Nathan. It was a paradox, he assumed. He was just being himself in front of those girls. That was not the truth, of course. Simon could tell that he was hiding a lot more than anyone would ever assume him to. 

He was jealous in a way and suddenly he could no longer tell if it was jealousy about Nathan’s success with girls or something else entirely that was gnawing at his guts.

※※※※※※※

An hour later, Simon finally saw a chance to actually talk to his friend Nathan. It was clear that the girl behind the bar had just given him a hard pass and now Nathan was pouting in the corner, sipping his beer. Usually, Nathan was pretty good at handling rejection from girls but today he seemed a little off. With liquid courage in his veins, Simon walked over to Nathan and sat down beside him. Now that he was there at Nathan’s side, however, he was none the wiser and had no idea what to actually say to Nathan. Mainly, because he didn't want to sound needy or even desperate. It had never served him when he would act needy or desperate in any way. Last time he had acted this way, he had ended up killing Sally and before that, he had almost burned down the house of his bully. 

»Say it« Nathan whined as Simon approached him. »Say it already, Mate!«

»What?« He was startled into confusion by his friend’s approach. For a split second, Simon was afraid that Kelly might have told Nathan what Simon was thinking about Nathan ignoring him. Then again, Kelly would never do such a thing. Not to a friend, at least. 

» _You’re a loser, Nathan!_ Now go on, don't be shy, say it. It's true. I lost my mojo. I think that the tattoo thing destroyed my mojo! I can't get a girl for the life of me! What am I supposed to do now?«

»It's not the end of the world«

»Yes, it is! Clearly, it is! You would know that if you had any expertise in this field.«

Simon gave a small chuckle at that and Nathan actually chimed in. For a moment, it was like it used to be between them before the tattoo, before everything had been turned on its head. They were cracking jokes together, laughing together. Simon missed that. 

»Hey … I wanted to talk to you, actually.« He confessed after a moment or two while Nathan’s eyes had been roaming the room - probably already looking for the next girl to focus his attention on. 

»I swear, I didn't do it.«

»What?«

»I didn't steal your porn.«

»I … what porn?«

»What?«

»What?« He shook his head, gathering his thoughts. Sometimes talking to Nathan was like going round and round on a rollercoaster. Nothing made sense, up was down and down was up. »No … I mean … I wanted to talk to you about the tattoo-incident, actually.« 

»What about it?« 

»It was … weird, wasn’t it?« Simon approached carefully just as he realized that he had no idea what he actually wanted to ask or say. He only knew that he needed to talk to Nathan about that incident and what happened after. Worse was only that neither Nathan nor Simon were particularly skilled in the art of actual conversation.

»Yeah … I can't believe I was such a little bitch«

»I noticed that you were … avoiding me…« 

»I wasn't avoiding you.« He sounded actually a little defensive at that, just like he did the day Simon met Jessica as he had been lying about his french girlfriend Monica. 

»Yes, you were.«

»My world does not revolve around you, Barry!« 

This reaction should have been expected and yet, it made Simon flinch back a little. He was being too needy again. He was being too desperate again and Nathan could tell. Nathan Young could smell weakness like a shark smelled blood in the water. »I just want to know what I’ve done that you want to avoid me!« Fuck, there it was again! »I thought we were friends!« 

Nathan Young was the kind of guy who liked to bully other people for fun and he didn't discriminate between the weird kid and the popular kid either. Everyone was at the same risk of being made fun of by Nathan Young. Yet, that same guy had said ‘sure, man’ as Simon had told him that he only wanted to be his friend. Nathan was the kind of guy who would pull a girl’s pigtails to show her that he liked her and who would punch his best friend to show that he cared. He had a mouth that was going 180 miles per hour constantly, yet he was not good with words. He thought that he started to understand him and right now, he was unsure what was going on inside Nathan’s head. 

»You’re paranoid, Mate« Nathan chuckled and brushed past him. »Paranoid!« 

He wanted to follow the other young man. Maybe he _was_ desperate for his friendship, yes. And maybe it was something else entirely that he didn't want to accept or acknowledge right now. In the end, he didn't follow his friend. Pressuring Nathan was never a good idea.

Around midnight, Kelly found him as he sat with Alisha, Curtis, and Nikki. »Hey, have you seen Nathan?«

»No« Simon answered but Alisha added helpfully:

»Not since he stormed off an hour ago« 

»He stormed off?« Kelly asked with raised brows. Not that it would be too unusual for their friend to be a tad-bit dramatic at times but even still, he would usually not storm off without a good reason. 

»Yeah, he looked … I don't even know« Nikki shrugged her shoulders. »He looked kinda … anxious, I think. Nervous.«

Nathan being nervous was not exactly a normal thing. He gut flustered and antsy, yes, but never really nervous. Well, at least he wasn’t angry about Simon’s behavior and his questions. That was a plus, he thought. Yet, he wondered, if what he had said to Nathan had bothered the Irishman so much that he had stormed off.

»Where did he go?« Kelly inquired. 

»He said he wanted to go outside for a smoke.« Curtis replied. He didn't seem too concerned. Of course, he wouldn't be concerned. 

And now, for just a second, he could see worry flash over Kelly’s face before she seemingly changed her mind. Even though Simon was not the mind reader of their group, he could predict what was going on in her head right now. _He’s an adult, he’s probably fine, he probably found someone to hook up with_. Kelly looked at him sharply and then it dawned on him that she now knew that he too was a little worried about their missing friend.

»I’m gonna-«

»I’m gonna find him« Simon interrupted her quickly and added with a smile: »You sit down and enjoy yourself.« Kelly probably already knew that Simon blamed himself for the way Nathan had walked off. If he hadn't tried to force Nathan to talk to him, he would still be here for sure. As he wanted to walk past Kelly, however, she stopped him and leaned in so that the others wouldn't hear her.

»It's not just because he didn't want to talk to you. He’s nervous.«

»Nervous?«

»Yeah, about that weird guy who came by, remember? For some reason, Nate’s afraid of him.«

Now that got him worried. Nathan being _afraid_ of anyone was new for sure. Nathan was never afraid. He had never seen him afraid, never even fathomed that there was something out there capable of doing that to his friend. Nathan was always so cock-sure of himself in every regard. Now, however, Simon was even more inclined to find his friend and make sure that he was okay. He gave Kelly a little nod and then walked off and out of the room where everyone was having a great time dancing and drinking.

He walked into the foyer but there was no sign of Nathan anywhere. The mezzanine was left abandoned. He walked outside but among the smokers, there was no Nathan Young to be found either. Slowly, he walked back inside and started towards the locker room. Maybe Nathan was hiding out in there, where it was silent.

»Nathan?« He called out for his friend but didn't get a response. The locker room was silent and free from the presence of the trusty resident troublemaker. He turned around, suddenly unsure of where else to look for Nathan next. On his way back to the party, he stopped at the door to the storage room. A little while ago, he had hidden the body of Sally in the giant freezer inside the storage room. Simon couldn't quite say why but something told him to look for Nathan in there. Shaun’s office was locked, after all, and other than inside the storage room he could only be on the roof now. The door was unlocked as he twisted the doorknob and opened the door. He could hear a faint shuffling sound in the darkness as he entered. 

_There he is_ , he thought to himself, even though it struck him as strange that Nathan would actually hide in the darkness of the storage room. Something was wrong.

He switched on the ceiling light and couldn't see anything out of the ordinary at first until movement caught his eye for a second in the back of the room. He could now clearly make out the silhouette of someone standing next to the shelf in the back of the room, wedged into the little niche between the wall and the shelf. 

»Nathan?« He got no response but by now he was sure that it was indeed Nathan standing there and hiding from him for some reason. Only someone as thin as Nathan would even hope to fit into that niche between the shelf and the wall. »Nathan, I know it's you! Why are you hiding?« 

»Jesus Christ, Barry! Can a girl have some privacy?«

Finally, Nathan stepped out of his niche, as even he realized that hiding was pointless at this point. In the loud light of the neon lamp, Nathan looked horrible. First, Simon thought that it was just his zombie make-up but then he realized that it was actual blood clinging to his face. It had run down from his nose and from a wound on his head. 

»What happened?« He gasped as he took in his friend’s appearance. Seeing Nathan hurt was not too unusual. He had a big mouth and people generally like to punch Nathan in the face from time to time. Not that he wouldn't deserve those attacks. It was possible that he had managed to piss someone off again, of course, in the hour or so that Simon had not seen him. 

»What? I don't know what you’re talking about!« He blocked his friend’s way as he saw him limp towards him. The way Nathan held himself spoke volumes about how much pain he was in right now, even if he tried to conceal it. »Geez, Barry! What is it with you today? You are so needy all of a sudden!«

»Who did this?«

»I don't know what you’re talking about.« He shrugged him off. »And I would like to return to the party now.«

» _That guy_ is searching for you again - the guy that came by this morning.«

Nathan flinched and his eyes grew big before he knew what was happening. It had been just a shot in the dark but Nathan’s reaction told him that he had hit the mark. So, Kelly was right. He was afraid of that guy and judging by how he looked right now, Simon could only assume that this asshole was responsible for the state he was in. 

»Let's head to the roof«

»What?«

»We need to talk.« 

»I don't think so.« Nathan huffed. »You know what, I think I actually rather like it in here. So nice and cozy - well, as long as you don’t think about the rotting corpse that used to be in the freezer.« 

Simon just rolled his eyes at that and grabbed Nathan by the arm to drag him out of the room. Nathan might be taller than him but Simon had started working out a little while ago and he had gained some muscle. He was stronger than Nathan and his friend probably knew that as well, which was why he didn't struggle more than absolutely necessary for show. However, it didn't escape Simon how rigid and fidgety Nathan suddenly became as they were out in the hallway. 

**-End of Chapter 2-**


	3. Chapter 3

Nathan Young was afraid. The fear was radiating from his body even if his face tried to betray his emotions. Quickly, Simon turned to the staircase and dragged Nathan through the door, up the stairs, and out onto the roof. The air was warm and they could hear the music from downstairs where the others were still celebrating without a clue in the world about what was going on between Nathan and Simon right now. 

»I lied« Simon then admitted as he dragged Nathan over to that worn down old sofa Curtis had napped on just earlier today. »That guy from earlier didn't ask for you but judging by your reaction, he was here again and he was the one who did that to you, right?« 

»You’re a right Sherlock Holmes, are you not?« Nathan snarked back and wanted to shoulder past him but Simon just pushed him and Nathan fell onto the sofa only to glare at him. It was as Simon had predicted earlier. Nathan might be taller than him but Simon was still stronger than the thin Irish troublemaker.

»Tell me« Simon demanded. »What happened? Who is this guy?«

»I don't appreciate being pushed around much« Nathan huffed but Simon sat down next to him with a sigh. 

»Tell me« He said again, quieter this time and looked at Nathan from the side. For a second, he felt like they were back sitting on the mezzanine on Nathan’s dirty mattress, talking like friends - before Nathan had kissed him. And this, finally, seemed to do the trick as Nathan slumped back in the seat.

»That’s my mum’s ex-boyfriend « He explained quietly. 

»Not the terrier guy, right?«

Nathan breathed out a laugh. »No« He sighed. »Not the terrier guy. _Joe._ « He turned the name over on his tongue, his eyes staring at a point only Nathan seemed able to see. It was that thousand yards stare that Nathan always hid from everyone else. 

»He was my mum’s first boyfriend after my dad. Dad left when I was six and about to start elementary school. perfect timing, right? We just moved to London too so I didn't know anyone. I was the weird kid with the weird hair and the big bug eyes that no one liked. Of course, the other kids started picking on me real quick. Back then, I didn't know how to deal with that. As a teen, I learned to make my bullies laugh but as a kid, I didn’t know that trick yet. Anyway … Mum was devastated. Not because Dad left. It wasn't a big loss and he has always been cheating on her, right? But now she was a single parent in a new city. At least she could keep the house. But my Mum … She always needed someone, you know? She needed a man in the house. That's what she told me. I said that I would be the man in the house but she just laughed and brushed it off. Not even a year later, she brought this guy home, _Joe_.«

»That must've been terribly confusing.«

»Sure thing, Dr. Phil. I didn't understand the concept of divorce back then, let alone the concept of my mum loving some other guy who wasn’t my dad. It didn't make any sense to me. So, Joe became a thing. At first, he came over only on the weekends, slowly started to integrate himself in our lives, in _my_ life.«

He thought about all the crude jokes Nathan always made about pedophilia or being molested as a child. His heart was racing, his gut twisting. He didn't know if he was ready to hear the truth now. Not that he hadn't been suspecting that there was something else going on entirely when Nathan spoke about these things. 

»I hated his guts« Nathan then sighed. »I didn't want him there. In my eyes, he started playing dad and I was six years old and furious because I had a dad, right? I didn't need that guy in my life. In my eyes, our life had been perfect, the perfect family and then from one moment to the next my father was gone, my mother was crying all the time and then came Joe and tried replacing my father whom I hadn't even seen since my mum kicked him out.«

»I get it. I mean … you were a child. Something like this is hard enough to understand when you are a teenager or even an adult but as a child … Your whole world fell apart.«

»That's what it felt like for sure. Anyway … soon, Joe moved in. It was Christmas and Joe moved into our house, slept in my parents' bed, read my dad’s newspaper every morning, and sat on dad’s chair. My mum was happy. She was over the moon for him. I started to get jealous because I felt like she would spend more time with Joe than with me and she always shooed me away too. When I had a nightmare, she wouldn't even allow me to sleep in her bed anymore. I felt lonely, abandoned. And then, about a year later, I heard my other classmates talk about it for the first time: molestation. I didn't understand it back then. I didn't have any friends so I could only ever listen from afar, but I heard them talk about how someone’s step-dad got locked away after molesting one of the kids in the house and I thought … Wow! I just need to say that Joe molests me and he’s gone? Easy!« 

»Oh…« Slowly, the puzzle pieces started to click. He remembered talking to Nathan about his mother once before and how Nathan had claimed his mother didn't want him home and preferred her new boyfriend over her own son because Nathan, in her mind, was a pathological liar. Even back then when Nathan had told him that, he had found Mrs. Young’s opinion to be a little ridiculous. After all, she as Nathan’s mum should be aware of how brutally honest Nathan usually was. Nathan didn't give a fuck about what people thought of him, so why would he be lying? 

»Yeah« Nathan breathed out and let his shoulders slump in defeat. »So … I went to my teacher and told her that Joe was molesting me. She went right to the police and when my mum picked me up that day, she hugged and kissed me for the first time in months. She was crying so badly, apologizing to me, telling me how much she loved me and that she would never allow anyone ever again to lay a finger on me. I felt … awesome. Finally, I had my mum back, I thought. And Joe had been arrested at his workplace and put in jail. The lie fell apart pretty quickly, though« Nathan than chuckled. 

»A day after, the police came to the house. They needed my testimony and evidence, of course. They started asking me all those questions and I, being a dumb seven-year-old at that point, had no idea what to say because I didn't even understand what I told my teacher and what it actually meant. The police figured that out pretty quickly too. I was checked over by a doctor, though, but as the doctor didn't find anything and since I couldn't even tell them where Joe touched me or what he did to me, the case fell apart and Joe was let go. He still lost his job, of course, and my mum was furious. I remember how Joe came to pick up his stuff and she begged him to stay with her, tried to force me to apologize to him but Joe still left.«

»Understandable.«

Nathan sighed his agreement. »The worst part about it, looking back, was that Joe was actually a really nice guy, you know?« As he turned his head to look at Simon, there was the ghost of a smile on his face. Not that Cheshire grin he liked to wear on his face like a mask. A real, honest, albeit sad little smile. »He treated my mum like a princess, he adored her and he treated me like I was his own son. He was always good to me, always patient. He made a real effort to be close to me, to help me along. When my mum would lose her patience while doing homework with me, he would sit down with me, even after a long day at work and explain things so that I would get them. I will admit, I was not the best student.« He laughed quietly. »Had troubles sitting still and actually focussing. ADHD, the doctor called it back then and the other kids at school called it “being a retard”. I didn't understand what it meant or why my mum looked like she had swallowed a lightbulb when the doctor said it.« 

Simon breathed out a small chuckle and Nathan looked back over the roof of the community center. 

»He took me fishing once and although I didn't catch anything, we had a good time, Joe and I. If I had never lied, he would’ve married my mum and he would have been my dad - a real dad, not like my dad. He actually cared about me, even though I was just his girlfriend’s brat. Every guy my mum brought home after Joe was a nightmare … every single one. Joe failed to find a new job afterward. He was barely scraping by and so he started to turn to other means to support himself. He got into loads of trouble and three years later, he actually went to prison. He just got out a few days ago. That was why he came by earlier.«

»He wanted to take his revenge on you.« Simon sighed. He should have kept a closer eye on Nathan throughout the party, regardless of how Nathan treated him and made him feel like crap. Nathan was his friend, after all, and he had seen and felt that there was something else going on underneath the surface. When he had seen this Joe-guy earlier today, he had felt uneasy, suspicious of the man even. However, earlier, it had been much easier to imagine Nathan having some form of an illicit affair with a guy like this than the story Nathan just told him. His jealousy had gotten the better of him. The same jealousy he had felt as he had seen Nathan talk to the girl behind the bar tonight. 

»In a way« Nathan muttered quietly and dropped his head forward to take a deep breath before looking up again. »I don't think he actually wanted to beat me up at first. Joe’s not the type. He came out of prison, found out that I was doing community service, and came by to talk to me. And when he finally managed to grab me tonight … What can I say? Not everyone buys into the patented Nathan Young charm, right?«

»You were a dickhead to him.«

»I sure was.« Nathan laughed. »I mean … I was terrified to come face to face with him, right? I didn't know what to say and I certainly didn't want any of this mess to happen here at the community center. I just went outside to have a smoke … I didn't want any of you guys to witness it. Because if you had … I would have needed to come up with something to tell you and, frankly, I didn't want any of you guys to know what a piece of shit I truly am.«

»You could’ve called out for Kelly«

»Sure« He shrugged. 

»You wanted this to happen.« Simon concluded with a sigh. He wanted to reach out, brush a hand through Nathan’s curls, and pull him closer. He was itching to do so. Yet, it might ruin everything between them, every bit of friendship that they had established between them by now. He was not ready for that.

»He went through hell and back just because of me« Nathan said instead of denying it. »I’m not even mad that he beat me up. I had it coming. Although, I thought that I more than enough paid for my lies in the past. I mean … the next guy after Joe was a bully, you know? He was like seven feet tall and liked to push me around all the time. I was too … loud, too noisy, too annoying, too … me for him to handle. He beat me a few times when Mum wasn’t home and I was throwing a tantrum over my homework. It wasn’t like she hasn't seen the bruises but when he put a hand on her, she kicked him out. And there were others like him … and worse. But I still have destroyed Joe’s entire life so I guess … I deserved it.« 

»Tell me?« Simon tried again. He knew that he needed to tread carefully now. Nathan was opening up to him and he could see that he had made the first cracks in that shell. He didn't want to shatter him. Nathan let out a deep sigh that sounded almost as if he was deflating like a balloon.

»There was this one guy … his name was Tim. I was twelve, I think. He was nice. Really nice and after the last guy who beat me up all the time, I was afraid that Tim would be like this too but he wasn't and then I was afraid that Tim would leave and there would be another one like the guy before. This time, I wanted it to work out. He moved in with us quickly. He played with me, spend much time with me, helped me. Always patient, always loving, even when my fucking head acted up and I was going up the walls. Not even my anger issues seemed to much to handle for him. Really, he seemed perfect and my mum loved him and was happy around him. And then, a few months into this, my mum went out with her friends and I had a nightmare. Tim came into my room to soothe me. He climbed into my bed and-« 

Nathan stopped and Simon was thankful that he did. His whole body had gone rigid like a piece of wood. He never wanted to see his friend like this, never wanted to hear anything like this out of the mouth of his friend. 

»I got what I deserved.« Nathan then decided quietly. »After making jokes about it, after telling lies about it. The boy who cried wolf. I didn't tell anyone about it. I didn't understand what was going on with Tim. I knew it was wrong but I didn't know or understand _why_ it was wrong. I knew that I didn't like it and that it hurt and that I was afraid of it but I couldn't put two and two together. And, after all, Tim was always so nice, right? I decided back then that Tim would never actually do anything to intentionally hurt me so it couldn't be bad what he was doing when mum was away. I guess, in the mind of a child that makes total sense. And mum was so happy with him. I didn't want to destroy everything again. I was afraid of Tim and what he was doing to me but I was more afraid of what would come after Tim. At least, I thought back then, he wasn’t beating me up, right?«

»What happened then?« Simon decided to ask after a moment of hesitation in which he allowed the words to sink in. He had suspected something like this for the longest time. He remembered the story Nathan had told him about the time he went camping with his mum and her friend. He wondered now if Nathan might have changed a few details about that story. Even if he hadn't, it was still a sickening story and he had thought so at the moment Nathan had told him too. He should’ve said something then but he had been too confused by the whole situation, too excited by the way Nathan had looked at him as if he had hung the moon and the stars in the night sky. 

For a moment, Nathan didn't say anything. The ticking of Simon’s wristwatch seemed unbearably loud all of a sudden as the minutes of silence between them ticked by. Beneath them, the party was still raging on and their friends had no idea what they were doing up here or what they were talking about. It occurred to Simon that he now had ammunition against Nathan if the troublemaker would ever try to start anything again. He filed the thought away, far back in his mind. Right as Simon was about to open his mouth because he was afraid that Nathan was not going to continue talking, Nathan took a deep breath and started to speak again. 

»We had this one day at school where someone from the police came. A child psychiatrist or something. He was there to explain to us a few things about stranger danger and about ‘the bad touch’« He chuckled again. »And when he did that … I had a full-fledged panic attack right then and there in the middle of class.«

The image of Nathan Young having a panic attack seemed almost otherworldly and completely alien to Simon. He always seemed so sure of himself but now, after what Nathan had told him so far, he began to realize that Nathan had been just like him when he was a child. They could have been friends as children. The outcasts, the weird ones that no one understood. 

»Everything just snapped into place and I finally got it. I was … completely in hysterics, had to be removed from class and put in the infirmary. My classmates had a field day, of course. The spastic going spastic.« He chuckled again but it was lacking its usual self-deprecating humor. »Nobody knew what was going on but the psychiatrist came to me afterward and he figured it out pretty quickly. This time, I didn't go home, though. The police took me and put me in a foster home for a couple of days while they evaluated me and the situation. There was no evidence, only my testimony but I was too afraid to really say anything. And isn't that just ironic? The first time I couldn't say anything because I didn't know what to say and the second time I couldn't say anything because I was too afraid to do so. So … They didn't get anything out of me and they didn't get any evidence either. My mum told them that I was lying and they had Joe as a prime example for my lies. So, nothing ever came of it. I was sent back home after spending some more time in that foster home and my mum started taking me to a psychiatrist who was supposed to figure out what was wrong with me.«

»What about Tim?«

»Oh, he got away unscathed.« Nathan hummed. »The relationship ended though, shortly after this whole thing. He told my mum that he couldn't be living under the same roof as me after I told these awful lies about him. My mum … she was never the best mum but after that … She never forgave me. She looked at me differently from then on. It was almost as if I wasn't even her son anymore.«

»Fuck…« He whispered. He thought about all the children out there in similar situations that didn't dare to speak up or that had no one believing them when they did. Sure, Nathan had ruined it for himself but he had been just a little child. How was he supposed to know? Things were different now than they had been just ten years ago. It was 2010 and people were slowly starting to get a bit more sensitive about topics like that, parents educated their children about stuff like this and teachers would penalize their students if they would hear them making fun of shit like this. But when they had been children in the ’90s… Things used to be different. The humor was much cruder, the children were much crueler, and parents and teachers expected the kids to behave and function. Nathan’s mum hadn't been equipped for dealing with a child with problems like Nathan seemed to have them. Not that there was anything new about Nathan’s diagnosis. Hyperactivity had always been around but in the ’90s, parents still hadn't really known how to deal with it because for generations before them, ADHD had been a topic that hadn't been discussed and kids like Nathan had been put into special classes or schools. Out of sight, out of mind.

Nathan sighed and he wondered if he was thinking the same things as Simon did. He too had not been a normal child. He remembered his mother running from one child-psychiatrist to the next with him from as early as four years old just to find out what was wrong with him. He remembered all kinds of diagnoses being thrown at his face that he didn't understand. His mother had never seemed to consider that there was nothing wrong with him at all.

»A few years later, though, Tim was caught doing the same shit to his new stepson« Nathan then continued with a small shake of his head, his shoulders drooping and his chin almost resting on his collarbone. He looked defeated. »He was eight years old and it had been going on for years by this point. At least that boy’s mum finally saw it and did something. Tim was thrown in jail so … hooray. My mum heard of that, of course, but she still didn't believe me. I remember how she was talking to a friend of hers in the living room about it. Her friend even asked her. She said “Did you hear about Tim, your ex? He was prosecuted and convicted of sexual abuse of a little boy. He never did anything to Nathan, though, did he?” And my mum just sat there and said: “No, he didn't”. And that was that. I think that she still doesn’t consider it.«

This whole story was so fucked up that Simon wanted to do nothing but either go find that bastard and kill him or at least hug Nathan. He was afraid to touch him, though. Now that the facade had broken into a million tiny little pieces that were glistening like diamonds in the moonlight around them, Nathan looked like he too would break into a million tiny little pieces if Simon would dare to touch him in any way.

»And your dad?«

»He didn't care.« Nathan shrugged and slumped back in his seat. »He thought that I was lying and that was it. His current girlfriend was more important anyway. He didn't want to ballast himself and his new relationship with crap like this. I was lying for attention. That was always my father’s way of explaining everything that I was doing. I was doing it for attention.« 

»I’m sorry« He whispered even though his words couldn't even begin to describe how he felt or could change anything about what Nathan had gone through. 

»Not your fault.« Nathan replied even quieter and then nudged him in the shoulder. »It's okay. I’m a big boy, right? It's in the past. Still, when Joe showed up … It all came back. And then … that fucking tattoo incident- I … I was … terrified when I came back from that! I was … confused and didn't know what to make of this situation!«

He liked Nathan being loud more than he liked Nathan being as quiet as he had been just now. He liked it more when he was rambling and spouting outlandish crap.

»I get it now.« And he did. Now, after this horror story, he got it. »This tattoo … it gave you no choice and you couldn't do anything against it. It was … I understand it now. It was awful what this asshole did to you with his power.«

»Yes, it was« Nathan shrugged. »I felt … I felt like I did back then, you know? When I had no power over what happened to me - when I was helpless. At the time when I actually had the tattoo, I didn't feel like this, of course, because of the tattoo but after … if we had done anything … If it hadn't been you but any other guy...«

Suddenly, he felt horrible for the thoughts he had had about his friend lately. He was no better than this man who was now rotting in prison. He had been excited about the way Nathan had looked at him, aroused by the way Nathan had been trying to get closer to him, by his touches and by the way his voice had changed when talking to Simon. »I’m … I would have never-«

»And the worst part is that, when the tattoo was removed, I wished it wasn't.« Nathan rambled on without giving Simon the chance to say anything. »I was so confused because I actually liked the idea of us being together. I liked kissing you and suddenly … I was so disgusted with myself. I thought … after everything Tim did to me, he had truly broken me to have feelings like this for my best friend.« 

Simon was stunned into complete silence by that. _What?_ Had he heard him right? His heart was beating much faster than it had any right to do. His heart was like a little bird flapping its wings so hard against its cage that it almost hurt. 

»And now you look at me like I’m an absolute disgusting freak.« Nathan muttered quietly. »I knew this would happen.« 

»You« He cleared his throat. »You have feelings for me?« 

»Urgh! Don't say it like that!« He groaned and hid his face behind his hands. »But please, by all means, let it all out. I deserve it. Have a good laugh at me.«

He didn't know what to say and under his silence, Nathan became more and more nervous and fidgety. It was suddenly so obvious why he had avoided Simon like the plague for the last couple of weeks that Simon actually wanted to laugh at the situation. However, if he would let out a laugh, even a chuckle, Nathan would probably jump off this roof just to get out of the situation. He felt this prickle under the tips of his fingers that he would always get when he wasn’t sure which road to take. He tried calculating the best result of his actions and whether or not he should remain Nathan’s friend or actually risk the plunge. 

**-End of Chapter 3-**


	4. Chapter 4

Simon Bellamy had never been a very spontaneous guy. He didn't really trust his guts either. He was not exactly the person who would act impulsively in any way. And yet, while his brain was still trying to calculate everything, Nathan was getting up from the couch next to him. His mind was still reeling with the things his friend had confessed to him but all his gut was screaming at him was that he couldn't let Nathan get up and leave like this.

He was probably afraid that Simon was disgusted in him now after his confession and the tale he told him. He could almost tell how Nathan was retreating back into his shell, rebuilding that wall he had built years and years ago around his own heart to protect himself. It was easy to see when one first recognized the defensive mechanisms that Nathan Young usually implored.

Simon reached out to grab Nathan by the wrist and pulled him back and as he did so, he used enough strength to make Nathan stumble and fall back onto the sofa. For once, there was only radio silence as he bridged the distance between them and pressed his mouth against Nathan’s without warning. A few precious seconds of sheer panic passed in which he was certain that he had messed up big time, that Nathan was probably disgusted or confused or even afraid. 

However, just as Simon wanted to pull away again, Nathan’s lips moved against his, a clear invitation to go further. He ignored all better judgment, all moral, all questions about his own desires, all confusion he might have had. Suddenly, Nathan’s long fingers were in his hair and before he knew what was happening, Nathan was on his back and Simon on top of him.

Nathan’s mouth tasted like beer and nicotine as he managed to conquer it with his tongue. He would have expected more resistance, but the Irishman just hummed in approval and greeted his tongue like an old friend, as if they had danced this dance before. Nathan was a greedy kisser and he had expected nothing less of the troublemaker. He was kissing as if he needed it like a drowning man needed air. Simon had never felt this way before. Suddenly, he felt ecstatic, he felt wanted, desired, worshipped even and he was all too eager to comply. With Nathan, it seemed to be a constant push and pull, and as Simon bit down on his bottom lip ever so gently, Nathan allowed a soft moan to slip out that sent all his blood rushing to his nether regions at once. 

Only as he noticed how Nathan’s hand traveled south, a clear path and destination in mind, Simon allowed the kiss to break and stared down at Nathan - at his soft, red-kissed, parted lips, his feverish green eyes, his ruffled hair. All he wanted at that moment was to sink back into temptation and allow it to wash him away but he had to stop himself.

»Hey … no stopping« Nathan groaned and tried catching his lips again but Simon, almost teasingly, leaned back again. He could feel Nathan’s very much interested cock press against his own crotch as he was resting between the other young man’s legs.

»I don't want to rush things« Simon declared even though it cost him all willpower. »I want to take it slow.«

»You can take me slow, no worries« Nathan grinned.

»You just want to get it out of your system, right?« It wasn’t meant as an accusation but it still came out like one. He couldn't do anything about it. There was this fear gnawing at his insides. He had had months to observe Nathan how he would seemingly fall in love with someone head over heels or get obsessed with someone, fuck them, and lose interest. 

»What?« Nathan breathed out, his brows furrowed in confusion.

»You think if we fuck, you can move on from this like it never happened.«

»What?«

»I’ve seen you do this before. You get obsessed with someone, you fuck, and then you lose interest.« He thought about Kelly and how obsessed Nathan became with the idea of them banging after it had first entered his mind and then, when things had turned awkward between those too, he had lost interest in her in that regard. Well, maybe not the best example. 

»Simon-«

»I don't want you to lose interest.« Where did that suddenly come from? Nathan stared at him with big eyes, almost as if he was in awe of Simon’s will-power for rejecting those bodily pleasures that Nathan promised to deliver with no restraints. »You mean too much to me to rush anything«

And now Nathan truly looked awestruck. »You drank too much« He commented breathlessly.

»I barely drunk anything« Simon huffed. »I was too busy worrying about my best friend being weird and ignoring me for weeks.«

He marveled at how Nathan’s ears turned pink at that and he imagined that his cheeks were doing the same thing underneath his zombie makeup. »You’re such a freak« Nathan chuckled quietly.

»Yeah, I am« Simon then sighed. »and this freak is taking you home tonight.« 

»So, you like to collect strays now?«

»I had a stray cat once« Simon laughed. »It's the logical next step, if you’d ask me.«

※※※※※※※ 

Nathan was the first person he had ever allowed into his new home and having him here felt strange to Simon the second that Nathan walked into the apartment. »Very serial-killer like« Nathan commented dryly as he stepped out of the elevator and into the industrial loft. »I like what you did to the place. I mean, concrete, always a good choice.« 

»I’m glad you like it« Simon chuckled. He was feeling a little more confident right now and couldn't even say why. maybe it was because Nathan had kissed him in the elevator on their way up. »So ... you should take a shower.«

»Are you saying that I stink?« Nathan asked with mock hurt, his hand flat on his chest as if Simon had wounded him with his words.

»I say you should get that makeup off so that I can have a look at your injuries, you muppet«

»You could join me under the shower« It was tempting for sure but Simon still tried to hold on to his morals - at least for the most part. Sure, he had slept with Jessica pretty much right away after they had only known each other for a day but it was different with Nathan. They were friends and his friend had trusted him with his most closely guarded secrets tonight. He had poured his heart out to Simon and just jumping him right now seemed wrong and depraved to him. 

»Maybe next time« Simon huffed before he put a hand on the back of Nathan’s head and pulled him down for another kiss. It was new and exciting and his libido was screaming at him to make another move on Nathan soon - fear clinging to him that his friend might get bored otherwise.

»I’m gonna jerk off in your bathroom now« Nathan huffed as Simon pulled away again.

»Do that« He watched how Nathan was slowly sauntering towards his open bathroom door. 

Nathan was always hypersexual, that just was nothing new. He had been like this from the beginning and he shouldn't be surprised that he was even more so now. He always tended to become extra hypersexual when he was attracted to someone. And now this someone seemed to be Simon, of all people. Simon Bellamy who couldn't quite believe his luck. Simon Bellamy who had never felt as conflicted as he did now. He shouldn't be enjoying Nathan’s affections like he did and he shouldn't have been as interested in the other boy as he was. There was still this tiny little voice in the back of his head that sounded a little too much like his mother telling him that it was wrong. 

And yet, as he slumped down on the sofa the thought truly hit him. Nathan Young was attracted to him. To him, Simon Bellamy, the most awkward guy on this planet. If he would have dared to even think about something like this, he would have always expected that Nathan was way out of his league. Nathan was tall, lean, and gorgeous. He had always thought that this was true and now this gorgeous guy was naked in his bathroom and actually _wanted_ Simon to be there with him. 

He dragged a hand down his face as he sat there, waiting, listening, trying to get his own blood pressure back down. In the end, he had no idea how he got to the bathroom door. He had no idea when he had stripped off his clothes or stepped inside the room. His shower was big and only separated from the rest of the room with a glass wall. There was no door to be opened just a glass wall through which he could see Nathan under the spray of the shower. 

A month ago, he would have not done something like this. A month ago, he had been a blushing virgin. It wasn't like he thought having sex once had changed him so significantly. It was Nathan. Somehow, even though Nathan liked to make fun of him and tease him, nothing seemed too inappropriate or too forward when it came to Nathan. He felt like he could say and do anything and Nathan wouldn't judge him or belittle him, as long as he was serious about it. 

»I knew you couldn't resist« Nathan grinned as he stepped under the spray of the shower. He had expected it to be much more awkward being seen naked by Nathan for the first time but it wasn’t because it really didn't matter. The moment he stepped into the shower, Nathan was all over him, allowing Simon to push him against the wall, ravaging his mouth, his teeth pulling at Simon’s lip hungrily. He barely had time to take note of the bruises littering Nathan’s body and face from the attack. They were rutting like horny teenagers without thinking about it, without wasting words. Right now, nothing mattered to Simon, not even his previous moral qualms with this situation. The only thing of importance was Nathan’s skin against his skin, Nathan’s mouth on his mouth, and the soft moans that were escaping from Nathan’s throat.

»Fuck« Nathan huffed a little while later as they sat on Simon’s sofa. He had given his friend something of his to wear and the sight was intoxicating to him. The shirt was a little too baggy in the shoulders and the waist, the sleeves too short, the waistband of the sweatpants slipping on Nathan’s narrow hips and the legs too short. »I didn't come so fast since I was a teen« 

Simon bit down on a chuckle as he was carefully cleaning a nasty cut on Nathan’s forehead. »I’m gonna hold this over your head forever« He promised. Now that Nathan was cleaned up and dry, he could actually try and treat his injuries.

»Oh?« Nathan exclaimed, raising his eyebrows. »Bold! Look who grew a set of balls!«

»Wouldn't you know it?« 

»It seems like I’m a bad influence.«

»What makes you think that?«

»Well … I remember how precious and innocent you were when we first met. So cute. With those big puppy eyes and the strange stare. I feel like I tainted you with my presence, Barry.«

»Maybe a little« He smirked. »You helped me ‘creep out of my weird awkward shell’.«

»That's the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.« They shared a small grin at that. A part of him wanted to go out and find that asshole that beat Nathan up like this. He was littered in bruises and the worst was yet to show, Simon assumed. He would be sore for days but at least he couldn't feel any broken bones when he had moved to pat down his ribs. In a way, he could understand this Joe-guy. Nathan had ruined his life with a simple lie - then again, Nathan had been a little boy. Holding a grudge against a child for such a long time seemed excessive and yet, who knew what Joe went through all those years just because of a lie. It didn't make it right what he did to Nathan tonight but at least he could more easily respect Nathan’s wish to not go after Joe now that he knew the full story.

As he worked in silence for a bit, he started pondering the past few weeks again and how Nathan had seemingly avoided him ever since that incident with the crazed tattoo artist that wanted to teach Nathan a bit of a lesson. In hindsight, it was, of course, unforgivable what this bastard had done to Nathan and yet, Simon couldn't deny that he was a bit glad about it too. If this had never happened, they wouldn't be here now. 

»I wanted to apologize« Simon sighed after a while just as he turned to clean up a nasty cut across Nathan’s nose.

»What for?«

»For … Okay, during this tattoo incident … I wasn't the best friend I could have been to you. I mean … I pushed you away all the time.«

»It's okay, I mean … the way I was pretty much in your face all the time … It was awkward and uncomfortable for you.« Nathan shrugged. »In retrospect, I felt horrible, you know? Not just because of how helpless I was in the situation but also how much I pretty much harassed you. The tattoo made me turn into the thing I had been afraid of for such a long time in my childhood.« 

»Yes … I mean … I did feel uncomfortable but … not because I wouldn't have felt anything … Obviously, I do« Simon sighed quietly and brushed a hand through his own wet hair. »And I did.«

»Oh? So, I brushed a raw nerve there then.«

»Kinda but … not in the way you think.« Simon confessed with a dry chuckle. It was weird, this whole situation - talking to Nathan like this. Months ago, he wouldn't have thought it even remotely possible to have a serious or at least semi-serious conversation with Nathan Young. He had fooled him thoroughly. Yet, after the incident with Jamie, Nathan had changed - even if only slightly. Not enough to be noticed by the others, except Kelly, perhaps, yet strong enough that Simon had seen the change.

Sometimes, it was hard to see that Nathan was more than this foul-mouthed, loud, larger than life, cocksure, obnoxious, offensive idiot he liked to show to the world. Yet, here Nathan was. A real person with real emotions. It was easy to forget that Nathan was a real person sometimes. 

»Tell me?« The way Nathan repeated those words back at him, the twinkle in his eyes … It made Simon want to push him back into the sofa cushions and ravage his body. There was this primal need to be close to Nathan that he couldn't suppress now that the line had been crossed. In a way, it had been there from the start. Back then, he had decided that he was just craving friendship because he was so alone all the time. 

»My parents are divorced too.« Simon quietly confessed.

»Oh … I didn't know that.«

»Well … they separated when I was … nine. My sister was just turning one, so … she doesn't remember anything. Hell, she barely knows our dad. She knows photos but … that's about it. He lives in New York now and sends us greeting cards to the birthdays and Christmas.«

Nathan snorted. »At least he knows when your birthday is, right? So, what happened?«

»My mum caught him cheating«

»Son of a bitch!« Nathan sighed. »Why are all fathers like this?«

»With another guy«

»Oh«

»Yeah...« He finished cleaning up the last wound on Nathan's pretty face. »I’ve never told anyone … I mean … most kids in school knew anyway. My mum kicked him out into the street, yelling and screaming insults at him. Everyone knew. So, we moved but that didn't change anything. The kids in school started to make fun of me for it. I mean … it just gave them one more reason, I guess. They were always good at finding new reasons to make fun of me. They started calling me a faggot and gay and … they were horrible.«

»Tell me about it« Nathan chuckled and, much to Simon’s surprise, reached out to brush a few strands of Simon’s hair out of his forehead. 

»I never had friends« Simon then admitted and caught Nathan’s hand as he did. It suddenly seemed so easy to talk so openly to Nathan. Weird what impact a little kissing and a little dry humping could have on a friendship! »And this situation with my parents only made it worse. So I started hating my dad because I blamed him for all this shit I had to go through. I … decided that I would never be like him even though I loved him dearly when I was little. He was my hero and my best friend back in the day, he spent every free minute with me and, unlike my mum, actually accepted me and my nerdiness. He introduced Star Wars to me and made me a lightsaber for Halloween. And suddenly, I … I was disgusted with myself for ever thinking this way. I started to think that he was a monster because why else would the others treat me like this and say those horrible things about gay people? I was a kid, I didn't get it.« 

Simon shrugged and Nathan moved a bit closer. 

»Kids are bastards« He hummed. »Rotten.« 

He nodded in agreement even though he knew that this wasn’t true. Kids were only parroting what their parents were telling them until they were able to think for themselves and by then, hopefully, they had built a moral conscience of their own. He remembered the horrible things his mother said about his father. More than once he had heard her talk on the phone to a friend about him, calling him all kinds of disgusting names. It had been a long process for him to understand that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Yet, there was still the voice in the back of his hand reminding him that it was wrong what he had done with Nathan.

»And so I turned my attention towards girls« He continued quietly and with a lopsided little smile. »almost a bit aggressively so and of course, unsuccessfully. That made me even more of a target because I was suddenly a super creep in addition to being a nerd and a freak.«

»You’re _still_ a super creep« Nathan hummed. » _My_ super creep, you handsome shark, you.«

He actually laughed a little at that. »I would hope so.« He huffed. »And then we met for the first time and it was-«

»Love at first sight?« Nathan asked wiggling his eyebrows. It was so hard to imagine that, only an hour ago, Nathan had told him this horrendous story about his childhood. Nathan acted all cool about it now, as if he wanted to portray that he had overcome all this trauma but they both knew that this was not the case. He had built a wall around it and, sooner or later, that wall would come crashing down.

»You wish« He bit out a laugh. »No … I was ... I don't know. I thought I wanted to be your friend, that's all. It was exciting to be around you. I never met someone like you before, you know? I didn't realize that it was more than that before this tattoo thing happened. And while you were under the spell of your tattoo, I was actually a bit terrified. I thought about my dad and all the crap that happened to me in school because of him. I didn't want to be like him but I felt attracted to you, I wanted you to really mean those things you said and did and I was … I was so disgusted with myself for thinking like this.« 

»I’m sorry.« Nathan murmured. He thought that, if anyone would be able to understand the terror he had felt during this time, it was Nathan. 

»It wasn't your fault.« 

»So, here we are now« Nathan sighed and leaned back in his seat before putting his long legs on Simon’s lap as if it was normal, as if they were doing something like this all the time. »Two absolutely fucked up freaks. It's almost like we are meant for each other.«

»Who knows?« Simon replied with a small smile. »Maybe we are.« And didn't they both have a lot of issues to work through. 

**-End of Chapter 4-**


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